April 28, 2019
Parenting Adult Children

I remember reading and learning about some of the challenges of the toddler years, and the teenage years, and so was somewhat prepared for those…but I was taken by surprise with the encounters that come with adult children.  I didn’t see the changes coming! The consequences of decisions made or not made by adult children are so much greater than the consequences of the toddler who won’t share a toy, or the teenager who misses curfew.

I am very blessed in that both of my children love God, His Church, and Philip and me. However, I did have to learn a few things along the way.

1.     Ask for help
There are people who have navigated this season, so get some wisdom- either in person or by reading a book. (Doing Life with your Adult Children by Jim Burns is a great one!)

2.     Stop hovering
My generation was referred to as ‘helicopter’ parents. Most of us supervised every decision and activity of our children. This is the time to stop. Our job now is to simply be available. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. (I admit this is hard for me!) Let them experience the consequences of their own decisions.

3.     Have fun together
This is the best part of adult children!  Do fun things together. Sporting events, dinners, even vacations.  My daughter has become one of my best friends, and I love the fun we have together!

4.     Set boundaries
Everyone needs help, but there is a line between enabling and helping. I think I have crossed it a few times, which is why it is good to get help!

5.     Apologize and offer grace
As with any relationship, mistakes will be made. Be the first to apologize when you might resort to ‘helicoptering’ or trying to control.

6.     When they marry and become parents, don’t make them choose between you and their new family.
Enjoy the time you have and make the decision to be uncomplicated. Assist them as they parent, but again, no unsolicited advice!

 

 

ABOUT HOLLY WAGNER

Holly and her husband, Philip, are the Pastors of Oasis Church – a growing, relevant, multi-cultural, church located in Los Angeles. They have been married for over 30 years, love life and enjoy spending time with their two adult children, Jordan and Paris. Holly is passionate about seeing women become who God has designed them to become, and to see every generation of woman extend a helping hand to the generation that is younger. Through the women’s ministry of Oasis, She Rises (GodChicks), she has empowered thousands of women around the world. Holly has written several books including Find Your Brave, WarriorChicks, Love Works, and Awakened.

April 25, 2019
All the Feels

I am raising two girls, Brooklyn who is 15 and Avery who is 10 and our house has “ALL THE FEELS!” This season of parenting is very different from babies and toddlers. There is less concrete and so much more abstract! When my kids were little the objective was to keep them alive, keep them safe and teach them to understand and respect authority. Can I just say that it really is so important how you parent your children from the start. The temper tantrum that you think is cute with your two year old who’s fighting to get her way is not nearly as funny in your 13 year old down the road. And that adorable little boy that likes to tell you NO is not a force you want to reckon with at 16. If you can love that sweet little one you’ve been entrusted and teach them first time obedience, kindness, respecting authority and that the world does not revolve around them; you are laying the best foundation for their elementary and teenage years!

As a young mom, I was physically exhausted and now I’m just mentally exhausted! I’m no longer teaching my kids how to sit still, not to hit or how to share their toys, the lessons now are all about the heart! I thought I would be really ready for this season of parenting after being youth pastors for 12 years but I’m not sure much can prepare you for the tweens and teens! I’ll never forget a day when my oldest was 10 and I asked her to do something simple like, pick up her clothes. She melted to the floor in tears screaming about the hopelessness of life! Our family has a flare for the dramatics! I couldn’t figure out what had possessed my sweet, agreeable, responsible child so I did the only thing I knew to do, I bought myself some time. I insisted she take a nap because sleeping was all that I could come up with to fix her and save me. She screamed and cried that she was too old for naps but I kept my cool and scratched her back and said… “I know but you are going to feel so much better after!” I’ll be honest I did not want to scratch her, I wanted to slap her but I realized this was not a temper tantrum. Something new was happening in my daughter and I needed to figure out what it was!

As the house grew quiet, I remember asking God…what is going on? I grabbed a book on raising girls by Dr. James Dobson and began to devour it. I read chapter after chapter until I discovered a statement that we have adopted in our home as “ping pong” emotions. Dr. Dobson explained that kids coming into adolescents have so many hormones raging in their body. If they are young women these hormones will eventually settle into a cycle, still real, but not as surprising! But for now, the hormones inside of our tweens and teens are like a ping pong table. They are bouncing around all over the place. When I read this, I realized I can identify with that. Sometimes my hormones are crazy and my husband thinks I’m possessed! I decided that Brooklyn just needed language to explain “all the feels” she was feeling!

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is our time. I had a conversation that day with Brooklyn that I have since had with Avery and we talked about identifying feelings and being brave enough to have conversations about them. Our teenagers need to know that all of the ideas, doubts, hurts, joys and confusion that they have rolling around in their amazing heads of theirs are valid and valuable. They need a safe place to process and know that they are accepted and loved. That takes time! It takes more patience than I normally have. I literally lose my mind with the answer “I don’t know.” However, I’ve learned if I sit long enough and pay attention close enough, I’ll find out what is rolling around in their minds.

A great tip for getting conversations rolling is understanding your child’s “love language.” There are a million resources online for figuring this out! My oldest is a quality time child. I know the conversations probably won’t start until we have spent a significant amount of time together. One day I took her with me to a coffee shop so I could work and she could do homework and after about 30 minutes of sitting there quietly working, she just started talking. It fully interrupted what I needed to get done, but I closed my computer, listened and asked lots of questions. I didn’t offer advice until she asked for it! If you know me at all, you should be impressed!!! My youngest daughter is all about physical touch. If I crawl in her bed to cuddle her at night, she fully opens up her heart! Girls tend to talk a little more than boys but I would encourage you to search for the keys to your young person’s heart and keep doing the work hear what is going on in their head and their world.

All things start with our thoughts before they become actions, so I believe one of our greatest jobs as parents is learning how our kids think and helping them to re-frame their thoughts from a biblical perspective. It involves validating feelings, asking questions and teaching tools. Philippians 4:8 is a scripture worth memorizing in your house.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

This scripture teaches us that we get to fix our thoughts. We ultimately are the decision makers when it comes to what we choose to think about! I have to be reminded of this as an adult and I assure you this is one of the greatest lessons for your child. Feelings follow focus. I find that when my girls are having “all the feels” I have to help the learn how to refocus. This is parenting to their heart! It is exhausting but so rewarding!

If you find yourself in a season with your teenager and you don’t know exactly what to do, pray for wisdom. James 1 promises us God will give it. Ask God to help you know how to get your child talking and sharing what’s going on inside their head. For some of you, you might need to model this as well because you might be guilty of stuffing your feelings. When they share, listen. When you think you have listened enough, listen more! Ask lot’s of questions. Validate their feelings. Then, help them learn how to reframe all the feels with the word of God. It is one of the greatest tools we can equip them with!

I’m cheering you on! I’ll pray for you and you pray for me! We are in this together!

xoxo Meghan

 

ABOUT MEGHAN ROBINSON

Meghan and her husband Carey pastor The Movement Church in Orange County California! Meghan is a wife, mom to two beautiful girls, church planter, pastor, speaker, friend, and big dreamer! Her greatest passion is helping women identify the God dream inside of them and awaken to their greater purpose! She also loves seeing women in ministry connected, equipped and inspired and is a part of our She Leads team!

 

 

 
April 16, 2019
The Fog

I feel like I am in a fog… a newborn fog that is. Those of you who have endured the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and spit-up-on-your-freshly-washed-shirt-days get it. The fog is real.

 

My son is almost three years old and my daughter is two months, so I have one in diapers and one learning how to poop in a potty! Two years ago, I helped birth a church in Pasadena, CA, as the Associate Pastor. I am a full-time working mom and it’s time to get honest…

 

MOM GUILT IS REAL.

 

If I leave my kids to go to work, I feel guilty. If I don’t have enough time to finish that one task for work before the day is done, I feel guilty. And Sundays are the hardest. What used to be the most rewarding day out of the week is now the most stressful. My husband and I do music ministry together so that means we get the kids up at the crack of dawn and haul the entire family to church. I call my kids “rehearsal babies” because they are always with us. Lately, I feel as if my head is in two places at once because I am trying to “work” and “mom” at the same time. A few Sundays ago, I had to stop rehearsal so I could feed my infant. Talk about MOM GUILT.

 

But the most beautiful thing about it all? My kids are going to grow up seeing their mom do what she is passionate about, and more importantly what God has called her to. My teams are going to see that taking a break to feed your baby is okay. Family is important and can go hand-in-hand with ministry. My church-planting organization is going to learn for the first time how to come alongside a pregnant pastor on staff by providing maternity leave support.  

 

What if we looked at the term “working mom” differently? What if it didn’t have to be one or the other? What if we learned how to bring our kids, family, co-workers, teams, volunteers into the beauty of it all? Life is messy enough without the added guilt and pressure of being perfect. We are going to make mistakes… trust me, I do all the time… but I am learning to go to God for help. Here are some truths that keep me going:

 

  1. GOD WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH, when I am weary. Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

  2. GOD WILL GIVE ME GRACE, when I make mistakes. 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

  3. GOD WILL GIVE ME HELP, when I feel alone. Psalm 22:19 “But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me.”

 

So the next time you feel like you are going to fall over from exhaustion or lose your cool with your toddler, know that God has you. Know that you have other women who are rooting you on and that you are not alone in the struggle. Know that this work/home balance thing doesn’t have to be solved overnight. Know that this fog is just a season.

 

One step at a time. You got this, mama.

 

ABOUT ASHLEY BECKFORD

Ashley Beckford is the Associate Pastor at Unite Church in Pasadena, CA, where she leads worship and oversees all creative. She recently founded Unite Collective, a community of musically-gifted artists, worship leaders, musicians and creatives from Unite and its extended family, that strive to create resources for the church. A gifted leader and songwriter, she loves to develop people, especially other women in worship. Ashley is on the She Leads team as the ministry lead to worship and creative leaders. She loves spending time with her family and traveling!

March 13, 2019
Who Am I?

Do you ever ask yourself that question? WHO AM I?

In 2015, I got a rude awakening. I was on staff at a church for 6 years as the Worship Pastor and a new leader came in with a new vision. Unfortunately, he didn’t see me fitting into that vision so I was abruptly let go from my position. My church leadership wanted to keep me around but transition me to a new role, so I became an Adult Ministries Pastor where I helped organize small groups, women’s ministry, and was one of the campus pastors for an alternate venue. I was grateful for the opportunity to expand my experience in ministry, but I was also struggling very deeply with my calling. Was this what God wanted me to do, even though I still felt called to lead worship?

I entered a long desert season where God did some much-needed work on my heart. God was teaching me a big lesson and I didn’t realize it right away. I didn’t fully understand the enormity of my identity problem. For years, I had been finding my identity in being a worship leader when I should have been finding my identity as a child of God. When I was finally stripped of that title, I had to relearn who I was in the eyes of God. And trust me ladies, that is not a easy process.

Have you been there? What are you finding your identity in? Is it your job? Your title? Maybe your children or husband? Money or acceptance? The list goes on. There are so many things in this world that try to take our attention away from the beauty of Jesus. It is a constant daily struggle to keep our eyes focused.

But on the other side… there is freedom.

In 2017, God called me back to worship leading at another church, and being on the other side of my identity problem brought a freedom in leading that I have never felt before. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about trying to prove something. Rather, it was about bringing my best and letting God do the rest (too cliche? haha). It was about aligning myself so closely with Jesus that as people looked at me on stage, all they saw was Him. It was about developing others and helping point them to their God given identity.

Today, I can honestly say that if God stripped worship leading away from me again, it would not matter. My identity is not found in being a worship leader anymore. My identity is found in Christ and whatever I can do to expand the kingdom, I will gladly take it on.

Let’s be a group of women who follow Jesus no matter the cost and strive daily to find our identity as a child of God.

Matthew 6: 6-13 (The Message)
“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace… This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:
Our Father in heaven,
Reveal who you are.
Set the world right;
Do what’s best—
   as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You’re in charge!
You can do anything you want!
You’re ablaze in beauty!
   Yes. Yes. Yes.”

 ABOUT ASHLEY BECKFORD

Ashley Beckford is the Associate Pastor at Unite Church in Pasadena, CA, where she leads worship and oversees all creative. She recently founded Unite Collective, a community of musically-gifted artists, worship leaders, musicians and creatives from Unite and its extended family, that strive to create resources for the church. A gifted leader and songwriter, she loves to develop people, especially other women in worship. Ashley is on the She Leads team as the ministry lead to worship and creative leaders. She loves spending time with her family and traveling!

February 18, 2019
The Way I See It

#Bettertogether This is so much more than just a cute hashtag for social media. I really do believe the statement is true! Unfortunately, developing real, authentic relationships that extend beyond surface tends to be where we women struggle the most. I think the problem has very little to do with others and everything to do with us.

Last week my family was driving to church and my husband looked over and said “what in the world, Meghan…how can you even see? Give me your glasses.” I handed them over and remarked…wow it’s much clearer without my glasses! Insert your own laughter here. He said that’s because they are covered in makeup smudges and dirt! OH….that makes so much sense! HA! He proceeded to clean them for me and when I put them back on, I could see so much better! I’m so grateful for a husband who is looking out for me. I need all the help I can get! 

In life and in friendships, often the lenses in which we are viewing others is tainted with our own insecurities and insecure people tend to show off, show down or shrink back. This impaired vision keeps us from developing true, authentic friendships. Friendships where you can vulnerably share your weaknesses and confidently celebrate your strengths! There are 4 types of dirty lenses that I want to challenge you to deal with so you can see clearly and begin to build healthy, amazing friendships! Remember the spots and imperfections that drive you crazy about someone else might not be on their face, it might be on yours! Ouch! So let’s start by cleaning our proverbial glasses, are you ready? 

Judgement, Jealousy, Competition and Comparison

These fierce 4 will rob you of friendships every time. 

Judgement

How many of you are quick to make assumptions and arrive at conclusions? I am raising my hand. So often we operate out of pain from past hurts or experiences and we place people in categories in an attempt to avoid being hurt again or as a means of feeling better about ourselves. 

The Bible actually tells us: Why are you so worried about the speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own. We’ve got to stop ourselves from creating a story about someone else’s motives or character without an actual conversation with them first! You might be surprised what a simple open-minded conversation will reveal. No one likes to be judged and the Bible says “in the same measure you judge others, you will be judged!” I most certainly don’t want that. I need grace with a shovel not just a spoon so I am realizing I need to extend all this grace to others and silence my own assumptions. 

Jealousy

Jealousy is simply wanting something that someone else has. Maybe it’s material…the house, the car, wishing you could travel like they do. Maybe she’s getting married or having a baby and you find yourself still single or unable to conceive and it’s painful. Maybe you see your girl experiencing success in the arenas that you have a desire to be successful and influential and your initial response is, it’s just not fair! Again this reveals our own insecurity and lack of contentment in the space and place God has us in. Confident women who are secure in their own identity and season are able to celebrate others without feeling less themselves. Jealousy will always limit your ability to build authentic friendships…it’s a barricade to any relationship and it can often be the thing that fosters competition.

Competition

Competition says I need to be better than you or prove that I am as good as you! You know some of my very best friends in the world are some girls who are far more “successful” in areas that I am passionate about! Those friendships have developed because I have made a very conscious decision to suffocate jealousy and comparison and to be a champion and cheerleader for my friends!!! This has required a decision. It didn’t start as a feeling. If I had allowed my feelings to lead, I would have become competitive and robbed myself of some amazing friendships. You may feel one way, but you need to make a decision to act another.  We are not competing with one another. We are all on a great big mission that God put us on this earth to accomplish and we need to learn to embrace who God called us to be and cheer others on in the race God has given them to run in! 

The last thing that dirties our lenses is Comparison! This is a big one for us girls! 

Comparison is the root of all inferiority. If you compare yourself to someone else, you will always feel inferior. This inferiority complex will limit your ability to connect authentically and you will find yourself isolating. To avoid the comparison trap, you’ve got to watch what you are feeding yourself. If you are gorging on the endless buffet of social media and comparing someone else’s highlight reel to your lowlight reel, you are going to always feel inferior. Maybe take a break for 30 days and practice celebrating the people around you! Celebrating others and practicing an attitude of gratitude about your life will shift the narrative every time!

We need one another. We really are better together. Godly friendships will add value to your life. They will encourage you, challenge you and remind you who God has called you to be!  

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NLT 

We need the sharpening of sweet friendships in our lives but in order to develop those authentic relationships, we will need to clear our proverbial lenses of Judgment, Jealousy, Competitiveness and Comparison. When you clean the lenses…you clearly see the beauty in everyone and this is the friend I imagine you desire to have and the one you want to be! 

ABOUT MEGHAN ROBINSON

Meghan and her husband Carey pastor The Movement Church in Orange County California! Meghan is a wife, mom to two beautiful girls, church planter, pastor, speaker, friend, and big dreamer! Her greatest passion is helping women identify the God dream inside of them and awaken to their greater purpose! She also loves seeing women in ministry connected, equipped and inspired and is a part of our She Leads team!

December 17, 2018
Help! 2018 is Broken!

Guys, it’s almost Christmas. What. The Heck. If you need me over the next few weeks, I’ll be somewhere watching Elf… And probably answering my phone, “Elyse the Elf here, what’s your favorite color?” You think I’m joking.

Seriously though, it is almost 2019. TWENTY. NINE. TEEN.

Isn’t it crazy how much life can change in one year? The moments that we wish we could revisit. The memories that we wish we could erase. The things we wish we could have said. The things we wish we never said. The fights we had. The friends we made. The people we said goodbye to. The hopes deferred. The dreams fulfilled. And the perspective we gained in the process.

And it all started with a countdown full of hope, dreams and sparkling drinks.

Maybe 2018 has been the best year of your life. If so, more power to you girlfriend. Perhaps you found your person, held their hand and felt all the feels. Or you finally decided that nobody lets your dream sit in the corner, and you did something about it. Or you went on the type of trip that Instagram was created for, and everyone double tapped the heck out of your photos.

Maybe you were the Beyoncé of this year. And if so, can you tell me how you did it? (And then can you teach me the Single Ladies dance??)

But seriously, if this has been a great year, please… Reflect. And keep reflecting. Find the person who encouraged the pants off you this year (not literally, unless you’re married, then hey-yo!). Write them a card. Send them a text. Buy them a coffee. Say thank you. Don’t let thanksgiving stop with turkey and sweet potato. Please, always say thank you.

But perhaps this wasn’t your year. Maybe you seriously considered turning in your adult card, burning all your grown-up clothes, and updating your resume to “professional Netflix-er.”

Sometimes, despite our prettiest mood boards and proudest mantras, life just pulls out some plot twists.

Maybe this year, life hit you with jabs and swings and kicks so intense, it landed you the ground. Perhaps your anxiety became claustrophobic and loneliness felt like it would be your legacy.

Maybe this year your tears became the ache you couldn’t articulate. I have been there friend. I have so been there.

In fact, this time last year I was there. Facing a new year with a broken promise and a hurting heart. I didn’t want to celebrate anything, let alone the year that had just gone! But I remember sitting on my patio in Australia reading my bible. This verse stopped me in my tracks. It was in the book of Jude. When I read it I felt that gentle but familiar whisper from Heaven. He said, “this is your verse for 2018. I’ve got you. You don’t have to celebrate what is behind you, but I want you to smile and what I am bringing you.”

So today, I want you to hear that whisper as you read this verse… The verse I read that day.

Jude 1:2 (The Message) says, “Relax, everything’s going to be alright; rest, everything’s coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!”

Don’t quit. Don’t give up on this year. It’s not over yet.

I’ve had moments this year where I wanted to get out of the boxing ring. I’ve had to learn how to keep punching even though I was tired, injured and exhausted. This has been my biggest year, my best year, and my most brutal year.

I’ve learned opening new doors requires more energy than occupying old rooms… And I’ve learned that the best years come out of the most broken places.

And I pray you will let those lessons speak to your heart today. After all, God didn’t bring us this far to see us defeated. I think it’s in His whisper to go one more round that our future is found.

So don’t wave that flag, not yet. You still have fight in you. I know you do. And I just wanted to remind you that it’s not over until that countdown gets to 1, until the fireworks begin to crack, and until those text messages roll in.

We have two weeks left of 2018. Let’s make it the most wonderful time of the year. And as for next year? Bring. It. On.

Hebrews 10:39 (MSG) But we’re not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We’ll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.

ABOUT ELYSE MURPHY
Elyse Murphy is a writer, pastor, and international speaker. She is driven by her passion for Jesus, the local church and Sephora makeup. Elyse is ministering to people with her message of grace founded in Jesus and her honest stories about life and its lessons.

Having grown up as a pastor’s kid in Sydney, Australia, Elyse graduated from Hillsong Leadership College, and has been a pastor working with young people and young leaders ever since. She has ministered globally in both church and secular settings, inspiring people in their life and challenging them in their faith.

Her experiences of life growing up as a PK led Elyse to write her first book “Confessions of a Church Kid.” Her book is a memoir of the good, bad and ugly of growing up with parents in ministry and all that it entails. Elyse has a Youtube channel and regularly blogs for Propel Women, She Rises, Assemblies of God and others.

These days Elyse calls Los Angeles home, working with young adults and leaders, and ministering as one of the executive pastors at Oasis Church in  Los Angeles.

November 19, 2018
Fun Ways To Say, “Grateful for You, Friend!”
Thanksgiving is this week!!! Do you have your turkey recipe ready or did you opt to order your bird? 😉  I am grateful for many things in my life including my family, coffee, Jesus, my church and my FRIENDS (not necessarily in that order). This week, I’d like to pose a challenge to you to take some time and plan how you can show your friends that you are grateful for them.
  1.  Make a “Why My Friend Is So Awesome” List and leave it in her purse for her to find in the middle of the day.

    Reasons Why Kathy Is Awesome:

  • She loves Star Wars movies.
  • She is a great listener
  • She mixes M&M’s with her popcorn
  • She is a great daughter to her parents
  • She knows the whole theme song to “FRIENDS”
  • She is super smart!
  • Her genuine faith in Jesus inspires everyone around her
  • She has the best laugh
  • She has a secret crush on Hugh Jackman
  • She always knows what to say to cover awkward moments
  1.  Watch her favorite movie with her (for the 100th time) after she’s had a long day. Bonus points if you bring her favorite dessert to share!
  2.  Give her a ride to the airport, even if it’s at 4 a.m.! Yikes!
  3.  Offer to plan her birthday party with a theme that’s totally her!
  4.  Surprise her at work with her favorite ice cream.
  5.  Drop off some saltines, ginger ale, chicken soup, and your copy of The Proposal at her place when she is stuck at home with the flu.
  6.  Help her with things that come easily to you but are torture for her. . .: redecorating a room, creating a spreadsheet, buying the perfect black dress.  . . .
  7.  Listen to her vent over the phone about her hard day, and offer her encouragement and prayer!

 

ABOUT HOLLY WAGNER

Holly and her husband, Philip, are the Pastors of Oasis Church – a growing, relevant, multi-cultural, church located in Los Angeles. They have been married for over 30 years, love life and enjoy spending time with their two adult children, Jordan and Paris. Holly is passionate about seeing women become who God has designed them to become, and to see every generation of woman extend a helping hand to the generation that is younger. Through the women’s ministry of Oasis, She Rises (GodChicks), she has empowered thousands of women around the world. Holly has written several books including Find Your Brave, WarriorChicks, Love Works, and Awakened.

February 28, 2018
Blended Love

Growing up I was pretty sure that I knew everything about love…I mean, after all, what teenage girl doesn’t know EVERYTHING about love right? I grew up with parents who were married and loved each other well. In my house, words of affirmation and PDA were ever flowing. My parents had two kids, my brother Jordan and myself, and we constantly felt loved, secure, safe, and wanted. Ever since I was little girl I imagined having a family like the one I grew up in…I would marry a man as loving as my dad. Then this “perfect” man  and I would have “perfect” kids and live happily ever after, end of story. Easy peasy right?

Well, as great as my imaginary family was, God had different plans for me. In November 2016 I married a man who was practically perfect, and this amazing man had two beautiful daughters from a previous marriage. When I looked him in the face on our wedding day and promised forever, I had no idea that I would be entering into the most challenging, yet most rewarding season of life I ever imagined… stepmother hood. Now, after a year and half of marriage and being 9 months pregnant with our first child together, I look back at that teenage girl who had it all figured out, and I laugh.

Being in a blended family is definitely not for the faint of heart… or those without a good sense of humor. I have learned more about love this year and half than I ever have before. There is a verse in the Bible that many of us have heard countless times, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, “ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Now this all sounds really great… until YOU are the one that has to love someone this selflessly. And although I’d like to say I’m good at it…lets not get carried away…I think it’s more fair to say it’s a work in progress at best.

Loving a child can be a fairly easy thing to do for anyone, what’s difficult is loving children that aren’t yours, but they are yours at the same time… and mothering children who have a mother, although you are still their mother, but you’re also not their mother, yet you still need to parent and mother them, and tone it down when their mother is there, but not too much so you don’t lose their respect. Confused yet? Me too. This has been the dance for me and it’s not an easy one. Trusting and leaning on God has never been more important.

Now for the hardest part…. Loving my stepdaughters’ mother. Did I really just say that? Yes…. yes I did. Not just tolerate, not just communicate with, but LOVE her. To love her like Jesus asks us to love means that I ‘hold no record of wrongs’…wait what?! It also means that I persevere through the hardest of times, not just for her sake or mine, but also for the kids and my husband as well. Can you truly love someone that hurt the person you love the most? Let me tell you, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and sometime I fall short…or maybe a lot of times…but hey, it’s a work in progress. Love is an action, not a feeling, so to truly love her and the blended family that I am in, means that I have to forgive her every morning, first thing. It means that my human desire to be right can’t outweigh the desire for peace and to love and forgive.

For the record, my stepdaughters’ mother and I get along well for the most part, and I am sure there are things that I do that really bother her also, but like I said, it’s a dance. It’s learning to pick your battles, learning to forgive, and loving even when it’s difficult. I love my blended family… it’s no fairytale, but it’s a love story of the truest kind… what I call, a beautiful mess.

ABOUT PARIS WAGNER MURPHY

Paris Murphy is a Los Angeles native, daughter to Pastors Philip and Holly Wagner, and CEO and Founder of City of Lights International; a non-profit organization dedicated to providing emergency care to orphaned and vulnerable children in Uganda. Paris is married to David, stepmother to two little girls and is expecting her first baby, a daughter, Justice Reign, any day now. Graduating from California State University Northridge, Paris has a degree in Social Welfare, with emphasis in Child Development and International Relations. She is passionate about seeing vulnerable children getting the love, care and education they deserve. She really enjoys writing and speaking and hopes to encourage people through her life experiences..

February 19, 2018
February: The Month of LOVE

I can’t believe it’s February!  Of course, when I think of February, I think of Valentine’s Day (thanks, Hallmark!).  It is a day of celebrating love, relationships, and all things red and pink.  For some, it is a holiday filled with roses, chocolates, and romantic dates, but for others, it is a day full of anxiety and past hurts.

Many people go into a cave in February, only to crawl out again in March, when Spring in on the horizon.  This dread and avoidance mentality is quite the opposite of the celebration of love that Valentine’s Day promotes.  

So, how do we change that?  How do we promote celebrating love in a healthy way, so it is not just one, single holiday but a daily life choice?

Disclaimer:  I’m not promoting the commercialism of Valentine’s Day, by any means, but instead, looking at the holiday as an opportunity to find freedom from the past and move forward in positive affirmations and expressions of love.

1 John 3:18-20 says, “Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions.  Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God.  Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings and He knows everything.”  NLT

This verse is full of action steps, so, here we go:

4 Ways to Love Again

1. More than words:  We all know those 3 words “I love you” carry a ton of weight, so when we say those words, we’d better mean them. 

Too often, those 3 words are tossed around without realizing the weight.  Instead of only saying “I love you” continue the thought and include “I love you when you call me on the phone and actually talk to me instead of just texting” or “I love you because you are thoughtful and heartfelt in how you spend time with our baby” or “I love you even though we had a disagreement about taking out the trash.”

When we qualify the statement, it brings the weight and meaning to the surface and then the next time you say a quick “Love you!” to your husband, as you head off to work one morning, there is more attachment to it than only the words.

2. Truth in action:  When we put weight into our words, this leads to action.  Following up encouraging words with action is a lot more meaningful than the words themselves.

My love language is acts of service, so I am quick to show love to my husband by doing the dishes or going grocery shopping for the week.  His love language is quality time, so while he loves to just talk and hang out together, I get antsy and want to be doing something.  So we find our actionable truth in expressing love to one another by incorporating both things.  We’ll go grocery shopping together and have meaningful conversation while sitting in LA traffic.

No matter what your love language is, the more you put it into action, the more truth you will find in expressing your love for one another.

3. Confidence in God:  When we choose to follow Jesus and experience a loving relationship with Him, we can be confident that our past is over and we are forgiven and redeemed in the life He has for us.  The more we study the truth of what God says about us – we are His children designed to honor and glorify Him – and put that truth in action, the more our love is evident in our everyday lives.

He forgives us when we mess up, so let’s be truly repentant and make daily choices to reflect His love back to Him and out towards others.

This means we can brighten someone’s day with a simple card that includes encouraging words, or give a smile to someone who needs a little cheering up.  God will work in those moments, and He will get the glory.

4. God is love!  He is bigger than our feelings and knows what is best for us at all times!  So let’s relish in that!  Instead of dreading February, let’s remember that Christ died for us because He loves us and it is only right to reciprocate that love to others, no matter how we feel.

Pray that God will give you a heavenly perspective that is full of His grace.  Pray that when you hear “I love you” the next time, you receive its fullest intention and can return that same love in truth and confidence.

May you experience the love and peace of Christ in every area of your life.

 

ABOUT LORI ANN PISCIONERI

Born in Texas and raised in Louisiana, Lori Ann Piscioneri has the pleasure to serve as the Kids Pastor at Oasis Church in Los Angeles, located in the middle of the most populated part of the city – Koreatown.  Oasis is a culturally diverse church with contemporary services and relevant teaching for people of all ages.  Having grown up in church, Lori Ann was first drawn to serve in Kids ministry at Oasis in 2010, and became Kids Pastor in 2013.  She is a professional opera singer and voice teacher and believes God placed her in Kids to help them build their faith and discover their gifts and talents.  Lori Ann and her husband Mike “Pish” serve together, building up disciples for Christ not only in Kids but as Connect Group Leaders and mentors for young adults and couples in Los Angeles.  They write, produce, and perform in exciting and creative curriculum for Kids ages 2 – 12.

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