It honestly doesn’t seem possible that I have been married to my high-school sweetheart for 42 years as time has flown by so quickly — most of it has been really great and some of it super hard. On this relationship journey I have learned some valuable lessons, albeit most of them the hard way, but I am truly grateful that John and I have invested our heart and soul into our marriage and our friendship, Today, I can see so clearly that my children, our grandchildren, our church community and beyond have benefitted from some of the wisdom we’ve gained along the way. What I have learned as we journeyed back from a hurting and broken marriage has served us well in every relationship in our lives.

Relationships are the Workshop of life.

There are no two relationships that are alike, so it would be impossible to give you a simple, basic formula to guarantee successful, fulfilling and wondrous relationships in your life. People are complicated and so are relationships, so each relationship beckons us to become an expert on the person we are building it with.

Here are just a few of the life-lessons that I have learned over the years:

Every successful relationship starts with a healthy YOU.

If you don’t have a healthy heart & soul it will manifest in your relationships first. Proverbs 4:23 teaches us that we should ‘pay attention to our heart, because it affects everything we do.’ Early in our marriage I truly believed that the entire demise of our marriage rested completely on John’s shoulders — I blamed him for everything and refused to look at my own hurt, critical, and broken heart. When I allowed the Holy Spirit to go to work on me, it was amazing how quickly things began to change. ‘Mt. St. Helen’ settled down and stopped erupting every time a tender or sensitive place in my heart was touched. I had to take ownership of my own heart.

I love Psalm 51:6, which has become a key scripture to invite God to help me examine my heart to actually know the truth about what is going on in there. Often it’s obvious to others, but I am oblivious to it. ‘But still, You long to enthrone truth throughout my being;
in unseen places deep within me, You show me wisdom.’(Voice)

Every successful relationship is sculpted with vision.

You can’t have what you can’t see — while many people simply saw a big block of marble, Michelangelo saw a masterpiece of David in there. We have to learn to see beyond the mess to the miracle of what our relationships can truly be and then go to work to create it. God longs to create such beauty in your relationships.

I have a friend in ministry that has struggled for years in her marriage. For the past few years, every time we get together she spends a lot of time telling me how disappointed she is with her husband, how hurt she is and how she is trying so hard, but nothing seems to be working. I love her, I really do — but getting together with her has been a chore as her frustration leaves me completely exasperated.

The last time we got together, she began down the same path of complaining and I stopped her rather abruptly and asked her, “Do you know what you want? What is it that you expect?” After a lengthy pause, she told me ‘No, I don’t know what I want’. Well, hello!!! You can’t have what you can’t see. The Bible teaches us that without vision, people perish — they can’t see where they are going so they cast off healthy restraint and give up.

Helen Keller said, ‘“The most pathetic person in the world is some one who has sight but no vision.”

Every successful relationship stays alive through healthy communication.

Communication is the source of life for every growing relationship … it is the exchange from one heart to another and without it relationships die a very slow and painful death.

No one is born a great communicator — it takes effort, a lot of risk, openness and complete vulnerability to grow and develop. It is something that will take a lifetime of committed effort to truly appreciate and enjoy, but it is so worth it.

In our early days of marriage, I thought I was a great communicator because I talked all the time and I thought John was a terrible communicator because he rarely talked. Of course, it didn’t help that he was a stutterer and his greatest fear in life was speaking before God healed him.

We both did a great deal of work to discover that true communication was heart to heart and not just a matter of how many words we spoke. We learned that in order to build our communication skills, we had to become a safe zone for each other as we began to realize that the best way to be heard was to listen. Slowly and steadily we grew in understanding and learned how to engage in really hard conversations knowing that our commitment and love for each other was more important than any issue that arose between us.

Every successful relationship is built through the actions of serving.

Jesus taught us that if you want to be great, you have to learn to be the servant of all. Serving is simply finding ways to meet the needs of the people you love. Our own humanity is always looking for ways to be served, and it goes against human nature to look for ways to serve, but true greatness is found in meeting the specific needs of those you are growing your life with. How do the people in your life love to be shown love? Hmmm … we should become an expert on the needs and desires of those we love! For those of us who are married, this is especially important in the bedroom. ☺

Every successful relationship grows stronger through trust.

In my opinion the important element of any growing relationship is trust and yet it is without a doubt the most fragile. It takes a lifetime to build and can be destroyed in a moment. You can love someone, yet sadly sometimes it’s not wise to trust them. Trust is a function of wisdom based on someone’s actions and behaviors and when trust isn’t present, we can’t move forward with confidence in the relationship.

Trust is built over time and even if you have done something to break trust, there is always hope if we choose to own our stuff, ask forgiveness and then do the work to win the trust of someone we love back. The onus to win back trust is always on the one who has broken it, but I believe it is also critical that we create the opportunities for them to start build again. Love is a heart that moves… it moves us toward God and ultimately toward each other.

On this note, I like to remind myself and others that all of us are just one decision away from ‘stupid’ and we would be wise to have a healthy fear of the dumb decisions we can make when we are not fully committed to building our character that is built with trust as it’s core foundation. Trust is essential and your future depends on it.

Every successful relationship stays healthy through forgiveness.

Living in the freedom of forgiveness is mandatory for all of us to thrive. I learned such a powerful lesson from Marilyn Skinner while I was with her in Kampala several years ago. She was speaking to a group of rescued teenaged girls who had been abducted by the LRA in Uganda. She asked them a simple question, “What do you do if a snake bites you?” They all knew the answer was to get the poison out right away. She reminded them that if they tried to pursue the snake to kill it, they may die in the process … but getting the poison out would help them survive.

It’s the same in relationships — we will all get hurt in our relationships, so it’s critical to always keep the poison out of our hearts. We do that through forgiveness and it is a gift we give ourselves.

Every successful relationship is bonded through touch.

Touch is miraculous… it has the power to break down walls and infuse healing into your relationship. My first instinct when I have been hurt or offended is to pull away and to withhold touch and physical intimacy. We so often do that as married couples, as parents and as friends — it is easy to withdraw and it takes great strength to purposefully re-engage with someone. I know this isn’t rocket science, but it is supernatural as it invites the Spirit of God to go to work.

Here’s to stunning relationships in your life xo

ABOUT HELEN BURNS

Helen Burns has been married to her high-school sweetheart John for over 40 years. She passionately loves being a Mom and Oma to her family. She has been a pastor at Relate Church in the Vancouver area for the past 30 years and travels extensively around the world speaking primarily on the subject of relationships, marriage, and family. One of her greatest joys is leading women and seeing the gorgeous generations rise strong together.

She is a television host and has authored several books. She loves to read and cook, and looks forward to seeing many more beautiful places in this big, beautiful world.

We all know that unity is essential. Psalm 133 tells us that God
commands His blessing where unity exists. When brothers and sisters
dwell in unity. It might be easier to be in unity with others across the
world, but the challenge is to be in unity with those in close proximity.
Not quarreling or being in competition, but rather delighting in one
another. Unity is not all of us doing the same thing, but each of us
using our different gifts headed in the same direction.

A symphony is beautiful, not because all are playing the same
instrument, but because each musician is playing the same song. If
each musician played his or her favorite song, it would just be a
cacophony of noise. Each is bringing a sound that contributes to the
harmony which makes the song amazing.

Same in church.

We all want God’s blessing on our lives and our churches, and that
comes when we walk in unity. Unity comes when we each lay down our
ego and our way and prefer the other.

A bible scholar puts it like this:
Living in harmony does not mean that we will agree on everything;
there will be many opinions just as there are many notes in a musical
chord. But we must agree on our purpose in life — to work together for
God. Our outward expression of harmony will reflect our inward
harmony of purpose.

At a leadership gathering recently, I was asked this question:

How do we create unity in our leadership teams, especially in teams of
very strong people, when you have a lot of strong opinions?

As a senior leader, it is up to you to cast a compelling and clear vision.
You tell everyone the ‘song’. It is your responsibility to give the big
picture and the time line to reach it. When a vision is clear, it makes it
easier for those who serve with you to follow.

As a leader of a department, it is up to you to take the vision from
your senior leader and make it relevant to your department. It
becomes your job to use your instrument to play the ‘song’ given by
the leader, not come up with a new ‘song.’ If you disagree with the
direction, communicate it with respect and honor. Most leaders are
open for different opinions, but shut down when they are
communicated to with disrespect.

As a senior leader, I love hearing the different opinions and ideas
about how to carry out the vision I have in my heart. In creating the
She Rises conference, I have the big picture ideas, but there is no way
I could bring it to completion without the help and input of others. For
this year, I had an idea about how to create the opener, which would
set the mood and create the atmosphere I wanted. The team listened,
and then strongly came back with ideas, while they initially seemed
different, they actually will make it better. My job is to give the ‘song’
and then let the other instruments play their part. I also have to be
strong enough and clear enough. I have found most problems with
unity come when the leader is not clear enough, or when the followers
ignore the ‘song.’ I am an outgoing, strong leader, and am not
intimidated by the outspoken opinions of others, and so am willing
listen. I am also willing to say, “no’, that is not what I want, and then
paint the picture again.

Senior leader challenge: Be clear with the vision. Be open for strong
opinions on how to make it happen. Be clear with each yes and each
no.

Team member: Make sure you understand the vision- the song. Use
your strengths to figure out how to reach the vision- to make the
‘song’ better.

And for all of us: God commands his blessing when unity is present.
That means between our churches as well. We will all do things
differently. If we waste time arguing over where we are different — the
enemy wins.

I heard someone say one time about our church…and they said it in a
disparaging way “there are other ways to do church” well…duh! There
are thousands — as many ways as there are churches.

Some sing hymns -some don’t.

Some speak in tongues -some don’t.

Some say dancing is bad -some dance with passion.

Some say no drinking alcohol -some don’t care.

Some say women shouldn’t teach -some have women pastors.

Some are mellow — some are energetic

Some say there shouldn’t be instruments in church -some have full
bands.

Some are full of Republicans -some are full of Democrats.

I could keep going, but why would we let these issues divide us?
Wouldn’t the fact that we love Jesus and believe that He is the way to
God be what unites us?

We will never solve the big challenges on the earth as long as we let
issues like these divide us!

ABOUT HOLLY WAGNER

Holly and her husband, Philip, co-pastor the Oasis Church located in Los Angeles. She and Philip have taught many relationship seminars around the world and are committed to healthy marriages, especially their own! They love spending time with their two young adult children, Jordan and Paris, and enjoy seeing them fulfilling God’s purpose for their lives. Holly is also a student at Liberty University.

Holly is passionate about seeing women become who God has designed them to become, and to see every generation of woman extend a helping hand to the generation that is younger. Through the women’s ministry of Oasis, GodChicks, Holly seeks to blow the lid off the boxes that women have sometimes put themselves in and encourages women to be the amazing, world-changing champions they were made to be.

She has written several books, using her humorous yet challenging style to encourage readers. Her books include: GodChicks, Daily Steps for GodChicks, WarriorChicks, Survival Guide for Young Women, and Love Works.

A few weeks back our Business Administrator who arguably may be the most frugal person I have ever encountered came to realize that his office printer had finally died. The kind of died where the parts were no longer able to be replaced and the monies to overhaul such a printer would seem laughable in comparison to getting a new one.

So I did what any supporting colleague would — I gathered our early morning office arriver’s around the coffee pot and we hosted an impromptu funeral. It was very Dr. Suess-esque in nature and we bid the HP Officejet adieu. Through the laughs and sips of coffee I was prompted to reflect a much deeper principle of grief and loss — or rather our lack of ability to “grieve and lose”.

As leaders what fuels us is so often rooted in wins and gains — -but of course we call them much more spiritual words like growth and advancing the kingdom. We like our graphs to go up and to the right. Our numbers to be on the incline and the things we touch to grow and multiply and increase.

All on there own inherently good attributes.

But let’s talk for a moment about the undergirding of what happens when we lose, are betrayed, experience failure, miss the mark, preach a questionable sermon, give the inauthentic leadership talk, our friends are no where to be found, that leader we invested in leaves, that staff member we positioned bails…when for no specific reason the season C H A N G E S.

Can I ask are you like me prone to pull up your bootstraps and carry on? We’re leaders right? It’s what we do. Press on. Lean in. Carry on. Face to wind — charge!Sometimes that spirit that God placed in us to pioneer can cost us tremendously. That price tag is tarried on our hearts and bears the scars in our souls.

I ended the last season poured out and tired. There was no moral or ethical meltdown. Simply put I had just given all I had.

Entering into an extended sabbatical season I gave myself the space to reflect and realized in the longing to grow and sustain all that God had entrusted to my hand; I failed to grieve the intermittent losses. The last sentence makes me chuckle even now — “sustain all that God had entrusted to my hand”. God is the author of life and He sustains what He grows.

Leader it is never ours to sustain. But we are ours to steward. My soul is my responsibility and learning to stop long enough to grieve the “end of’s” is a skill that I am admittedly still learning. Being okay to settle into the pain and tend to my own seasonal changes is part of grief.

I had to dive deep into the well of my own soul and haul out some roots that were built on striving. Striving to win, please, gain applause, stay on top, keep it up and to the right. Bleck!

A funeral was in order. So I had to host a funeral of sorts for some icky root systems (beliefs if you will) that were building a not-so-healthy leader (lies I was living out).

In that funeral there was freedom to be found, healing to be had, release to be granted and finally — oh Mylanta! Finally hope to be restored. Jesus the Healer of hearts is waiting to heal yours if you find yourself like me building great things but needing to be rebuilt yourself.

Hope is found at the funeral.

The burial of me is the beginning of what Jesus will resurrect through me.

And who knew — — it’s so much sweeter to lead free from those lies.

“I pray for the daughters of the King that might find themselves poured out and tired. I ask that your Holy Spirit would lead them into Your Truth, uncovering icky root systems that are building no-so-healthy leaders. That Jesus you may bring about healing in their souls and they experience freedom and hope at the funeral of striving. Amen.”

ABOUT WENDY NOLASCO

Pastor Wendy Nolasco is a life enthusiast and resident foodie. Her main quest is loving Jesus! She has been married to the love of her life — Sal for 14yrs. She has three very beautiful kids Lola, Diego and Phoenix, and has devoted her life to pursuing how God will shape each one of them. She serves as part of the pastoral team at New Life Church and thrives on seeing those “light bulb moments” in others’ lives.

To be perfectly honest, I am coming out of one of the toughest ministry seasons of my life. There has been more transition, struggle and pain this year in my personal life and at work than ever before. Managing all these transitions has been more complicated and difficult because of some deep-seated insecurity in my own heart.

I’ve known for years that insecurity cripples many of us, including me — especially me! So many times I’ve cried out to God to know how to respond to something or someone because my insecurity would stand on end, cloud my judgment and impact my ability to know with confidence how to respond in a particular situation.

When insecurity raises its hateful head, it will

o Cloud your judgment
o Bring confusion,
o Hold you back from positive progress,
o Negatively effect your relationships with others,
o And negatively impact your view of God.

I wonder if you can relate to me.

Do you find yourself vacillating back and forth between obedience and insecurity, struggling with some mystery force that somehow keeps you from walking in full confidence and accomplishing the longings of your heart? Insecurity steals your joy, drains your strength and positions you as an orphan.

If you can relate, raise your hand.

So, how can we overcome insecurity? I hope the following ideas might be of help to you.

Admit it
It took awhile (my whole life) to really accept that I was insecure. My natural tendency is to cover it over with hard work, diligence, commitment and perseverance. Basically, I just barrel through. But years of trying had left me weary. Aging has some benefits, one of which is learning to prioritize what and how you live your life. I just wasn’t willing to keep on keeping on.

Tell yourself the truth
I finally had to bring it all the way down to the fact that I believed a lie. My lie (what’s yours?) was that I must take care of myself. If anything good was going to happen, (or if anything bad was going to be prevented) somehow it was up to me. In the smallest places in me, I was still an afraid little girl, trying to control every nuance of a situation in order to produce a result that would receive the approval of a father.

Get vulnerable
The last thing I wanted to do when I felt insecure was to get real. Oh how I hate this step, but it has brought me the greatest freedom, peace and security. It was the turning point of my journey. Finally being able to articulate my disappointment, my fears, and my fatigue to God, helped me begin to spiritually mature enough to handle both the blessing and the warfare that comes with a life in ministry.

Be healed
Healing is a process. It’s easy to understand it when you look at the human body. If you broke your leg, you’d give yourself the time, grace, resources and help to get well. But when you are unwell (insecure) on the inside, it harder to grasp that healing takes time. I am being healed everyday. I still find moments where the insecurity has set up a nesting place in my life. Now I imply acknowledge it, sweep it out, put truth in that place and move forward. It’s getting easier and it’s happening faster. It’s a process.

Grow Mature
Our insecurities are a picture of us struggling to crucify the flesh and to allow our spirit to rule. A spiritually mature person is someone who is led by the principles and power of the Word of God. I want to be spiritually mature. I am not willing to be led anymore by that little girl who felt so much responsibility for everyone and everything else. I have determined that all of my thoughts, circumstances, attitudes and feelings have to yield to the Word of God.

Be secure
Those who are spiritually mature are not insecure. To be secure means to be fixed or fashioned so as not to give way, to become loose or to be lost. As I have become secure in the fact that God is concerned about everything related to me and that He will defend me, care for me, provide for me and love me — I am finally finding my security in Him alone.

If you struggle with deep-seated insecurity, refuse to allow the shame, the frustration or the lack of clarity to hold you back one more moment.
Everyday I feel the benefit of this new place in the spirit. Even in this moment, I am facing a significant circumstance that in the past might have overwhelmed me. Yet today — I feel calm. I feel secure. I am not moved. I am walking in the love of God in a new way and I can promise you that all the hard work — the secret work — is worth it.

ABOUT JAN GREENWOOD

Jan has been a part of the Pink team at Gateway Church since 2007, and currently serves as pastor of women. She is the author of “Women at War” and has a passion for creating powerful female relationships. We are so thankful to have her voice represented here for She Leads.