April 28, 2019
Parenting Adult Children

I remember reading and learning about some of the challenges of the toddler years, and the teenage years, and so was somewhat prepared for those…but I was taken by surprise with the encounters that come with adult children.  I didn’t see the changes coming! The consequences of decisions made or not made by adult children are so much greater than the consequences of the toddler who won’t share a toy, or the teenager who misses curfew.

I am very blessed in that both of my children love God, His Church, and Philip and me. However, I did have to learn a few things along the way.

1.     Ask for help
There are people who have navigated this season, so get some wisdom- either in person or by reading a book. (Doing Life with your Adult Children by Jim Burns is a great one!)

2.     Stop hovering
My generation was referred to as ‘helicopter’ parents. Most of us supervised every decision and activity of our children. This is the time to stop. Our job now is to simply be available. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. (I admit this is hard for me!) Let them experience the consequences of their own decisions.

3.     Have fun together
This is the best part of adult children!  Do fun things together. Sporting events, dinners, even vacations.  My daughter has become one of my best friends, and I love the fun we have together!

4.     Set boundaries
Everyone needs help, but there is a line between enabling and helping. I think I have crossed it a few times, which is why it is good to get help!

5.     Apologize and offer grace
As with any relationship, mistakes will be made. Be the first to apologize when you might resort to ‘helicoptering’ or trying to control.

6.     When they marry and become parents, don’t make them choose between you and their new family.
Enjoy the time you have and make the decision to be uncomplicated. Assist them as they parent, but again, no unsolicited advice!

 

 

ABOUT HOLLY WAGNER

Holly and her husband, Philip, are the Pastors of Oasis Church – a growing, relevant, multi-cultural, church located in Los Angeles. They have been married for over 30 years, love life and enjoy spending time with their two adult children, Jordan and Paris. Holly is passionate about seeing women become who God has designed them to become, and to see every generation of woman extend a helping hand to the generation that is younger. Through the women’s ministry of Oasis, She Rises (GodChicks), she has empowered thousands of women around the world. Holly has written several books including Find Your Brave, WarriorChicks, Love Works, and Awakened.

April 25, 2019
All the Feels

I am raising two girls, Brooklyn who is 15 and Avery who is 10 and our house has “ALL THE FEELS!” This season of parenting is very different from babies and toddlers. There is less concrete and so much more abstract! When my kids were little the objective was to keep them alive, keep them safe and teach them to understand and respect authority. Can I just say that it really is so important how you parent your children from the start. The temper tantrum that you think is cute with your two year old who’s fighting to get her way is not nearly as funny in your 13 year old down the road. And that adorable little boy that likes to tell you NO is not a force you want to reckon with at 16. If you can love that sweet little one you’ve been entrusted and teach them first time obedience, kindness, respecting authority and that the world does not revolve around them; you are laying the best foundation for their elementary and teenage years!

As a young mom, I was physically exhausted and now I’m just mentally exhausted! I’m no longer teaching my kids how to sit still, not to hit or how to share their toys, the lessons now are all about the heart! I thought I would be really ready for this season of parenting after being youth pastors for 12 years but I’m not sure much can prepare you for the tweens and teens! I’ll never forget a day when my oldest was 10 and I asked her to do something simple like, pick up her clothes. She melted to the floor in tears screaming about the hopelessness of life! Our family has a flare for the dramatics! I couldn’t figure out what had possessed my sweet, agreeable, responsible child so I did the only thing I knew to do, I bought myself some time. I insisted she take a nap because sleeping was all that I could come up with to fix her and save me. She screamed and cried that she was too old for naps but I kept my cool and scratched her back and said… “I know but you are going to feel so much better after!” I’ll be honest I did not want to scratch her, I wanted to slap her but I realized this was not a temper tantrum. Something new was happening in my daughter and I needed to figure out what it was!

As the house grew quiet, I remember asking God…what is going on? I grabbed a book on raising girls by Dr. James Dobson and began to devour it. I read chapter after chapter until I discovered a statement that we have adopted in our home as “ping pong” emotions. Dr. Dobson explained that kids coming into adolescents have so many hormones raging in their body. If they are young women these hormones will eventually settle into a cycle, still real, but not as surprising! But for now, the hormones inside of our tweens and teens are like a ping pong table. They are bouncing around all over the place. When I read this, I realized I can identify with that. Sometimes my hormones are crazy and my husband thinks I’m possessed! I decided that Brooklyn just needed language to explain “all the feels” she was feeling!

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is our time. I had a conversation that day with Brooklyn that I have since had with Avery and we talked about identifying feelings and being brave enough to have conversations about them. Our teenagers need to know that all of the ideas, doubts, hurts, joys and confusion that they have rolling around in their amazing heads of theirs are valid and valuable. They need a safe place to process and know that they are accepted and loved. That takes time! It takes more patience than I normally have. I literally lose my mind with the answer “I don’t know.” However, I’ve learned if I sit long enough and pay attention close enough, I’ll find out what is rolling around in their minds.

A great tip for getting conversations rolling is understanding your child’s “love language.” There are a million resources online for figuring this out! My oldest is a quality time child. I know the conversations probably won’t start until we have spent a significant amount of time together. One day I took her with me to a coffee shop so I could work and she could do homework and after about 30 minutes of sitting there quietly working, she just started talking. It fully interrupted what I needed to get done, but I closed my computer, listened and asked lots of questions. I didn’t offer advice until she asked for it! If you know me at all, you should be impressed!!! My youngest daughter is all about physical touch. If I crawl in her bed to cuddle her at night, she fully opens up her heart! Girls tend to talk a little more than boys but I would encourage you to search for the keys to your young person’s heart and keep doing the work hear what is going on in their head and their world.

All things start with our thoughts before they become actions, so I believe one of our greatest jobs as parents is learning how our kids think and helping them to re-frame their thoughts from a biblical perspective. It involves validating feelings, asking questions and teaching tools. Philippians 4:8 is a scripture worth memorizing in your house.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

This scripture teaches us that we get to fix our thoughts. We ultimately are the decision makers when it comes to what we choose to think about! I have to be reminded of this as an adult and I assure you this is one of the greatest lessons for your child. Feelings follow focus. I find that when my girls are having “all the feels” I have to help the learn how to refocus. This is parenting to their heart! It is exhausting but so rewarding!

If you find yourself in a season with your teenager and you don’t know exactly what to do, pray for wisdom. James 1 promises us God will give it. Ask God to help you know how to get your child talking and sharing what’s going on inside their head. For some of you, you might need to model this as well because you might be guilty of stuffing your feelings. When they share, listen. When you think you have listened enough, listen more! Ask lot’s of questions. Validate their feelings. Then, help them learn how to reframe all the feels with the word of God. It is one of the greatest tools we can equip them with!

I’m cheering you on! I’ll pray for you and you pray for me! We are in this together!

xoxo Meghan

 

ABOUT MEGHAN ROBINSON

Meghan and her husband Carey pastor The Movement Church in Orange County California! Meghan is a wife, mom to two beautiful girls, church planter, pastor, speaker, friend, and big dreamer! Her greatest passion is helping women identify the God dream inside of them and awaken to their greater purpose! She also loves seeing women in ministry connected, equipped and inspired and is a part of our She Leads team!

 

 

 
April 16, 2019
The Fog

I feel like I am in a fog… a newborn fog that is. Those of you who have endured the dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and spit-up-on-your-freshly-washed-shirt-days get it. The fog is real.

 

My son is almost three years old and my daughter is two months, so I have one in diapers and one learning how to poop in a potty! Two years ago, I helped birth a church in Pasadena, CA, as the Associate Pastor. I am a full-time working mom and it’s time to get honest…

 

MOM GUILT IS REAL.

 

If I leave my kids to go to work, I feel guilty. If I don’t have enough time to finish that one task for work before the day is done, I feel guilty. And Sundays are the hardest. What used to be the most rewarding day out of the week is now the most stressful. My husband and I do music ministry together so that means we get the kids up at the crack of dawn and haul the entire family to church. I call my kids “rehearsal babies” because they are always with us. Lately, I feel as if my head is in two places at once because I am trying to “work” and “mom” at the same time. A few Sundays ago, I had to stop rehearsal so I could feed my infant. Talk about MOM GUILT.

 

But the most beautiful thing about it all? My kids are going to grow up seeing their mom do what she is passionate about, and more importantly what God has called her to. My teams are going to see that taking a break to feed your baby is okay. Family is important and can go hand-in-hand with ministry. My church-planting organization is going to learn for the first time how to come alongside a pregnant pastor on staff by providing maternity leave support.  

 

What if we looked at the term “working mom” differently? What if it didn’t have to be one or the other? What if we learned how to bring our kids, family, co-workers, teams, volunteers into the beauty of it all? Life is messy enough without the added guilt and pressure of being perfect. We are going to make mistakes… trust me, I do all the time… but I am learning to go to God for help. Here are some truths that keep me going:

 

  1. GOD WILL GIVE ME STRENGTH, when I am weary. Isaiah 40:29 “He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”

  2. GOD WILL GIVE ME GRACE, when I make mistakes. 2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

  3. GOD WILL GIVE ME HELP, when I feel alone. Psalm 22:19 “But you, LORD, do not be far from me. You are my strength; come quickly to help me.”

 

So the next time you feel like you are going to fall over from exhaustion or lose your cool with your toddler, know that God has you. Know that you have other women who are rooting you on and that you are not alone in the struggle. Know that this work/home balance thing doesn’t have to be solved overnight. Know that this fog is just a season.

 

One step at a time. You got this, mama.

 

ABOUT ASHLEY BECKFORD

Ashley Beckford is the Associate Pastor at Unite Church in Pasadena, CA, where she leads worship and oversees all creative. She recently founded Unite Collective, a community of musically-gifted artists, worship leaders, musicians and creatives from Unite and its extended family, that strive to create resources for the church. A gifted leader and songwriter, she loves to develop people, especially other women in worship. Ashley is on the She Leads team as the ministry lead to worship and creative leaders. She loves spending time with her family and traveling!

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